THE UNIVERSE
ACCORDING TO BILLY BUBBLEGUM

POETRY

Prison Ain't No Place For Billy Bubblegum

What's for breakfast?
Something that smells like socks.
What's for lunch?
Beans and rocks.
What's for supper?
No ham, just the hocks.
(Prison ain't no place for Billy Bubblegum.)

What's on TV?
Soul train.
And then what's next?
Fresh Prince again.
Then later on?
George Jefferson.
(Prison ain't no place for Billy Bubblegum.)

What do we do tomorrow?
Work all day.
Doing what?
Baling hay.
What's our salary?
There ain't no pay.
(Prison ain't no place for Billy Bubblegum.)

'When do I get out?
In 50 years.
Why's my face wet?
It looks like tears.
Who are all these zombies?
Your new peers.
(Prison ain't no place for Billy Bubblegum)

DEAR SNAKE

Dear Snake,

So what is prison really like anyhow?

Ginger, Coral Gables, Florida

Dear Ginger,

Go lock yourself in the bathroom for a couple of years.

Snake

***********************************************

Dear Snake,

I just got to prison. They gave me 40 years. I can't do 40 years.

Bobby, Joliet, Illinois

Dear Bobby,

Just do all you can. They have some guards there who will help you do the rest.

Snake

*********************************************

Dear Snake,

What is the difference between prison and hell?

Tommy K., San Quentin

Dear Tommy,

The food is better in hell.

Snake

Please E-MAIL me any question you would like me to answer in this column

Until Next Issue,

Snake

WISDOM
Did you know that Jimmy Hoffa and Mayor Richard Daley were the same person? More amazing than that is that Jimmy Hoffa Jr. and Richard Daley Jr. are the same person. Bella Abzug and Golda Meir were also the same person, except for the hats. Did you know Burt Lancaster and Charlton Heston are the same person? Try naming their movies and you'll soon get them confused. Well except for "Planet of the Apes" which was, ah ah....... Heston, I think. As for "The Parent Trap," Hayley Mills was good, but Patty Duke should have been the star as she plays herself best, except I think Hay and Pat are the same person too. Margaret Thatcher was not Becky Thatcher. And -- Ronald Reagan was not Ronald Reagan, I mean, look, in 1950 Ronnie was a liberal Democrat, head of the Actors Guild, etc. Who, what creature from what planet took over his shell?

IT USED TO BE CALLED....
[Few, people know this, but Billy Bubblegum is responsible for many of the product names we know today. The original names would likely have resulted in multiple bankruptcies. Mr. Bubblegum changed them in order to promote American values, the Western way, etc. Indeed, our economy was likely saved by these gems. In the left-hand column are the original names; in the right are Billy Bubblegum's suggestions.]

Original Names                                  Bubblegum Suggestions

Enemy's Frozen Custard                     Friendly's Ice Cream

Bruised Apple Pulp & Sugar                Motts Apple Butter

Guffaws                                              Snickers

New England Pink Stockings            Boston Red Sox

Shaped & Molded Pig Byproducts        Bologna

Clean Up Rags For Slobs                     WetWipes

Nasty Jim's                                         Sloppy Joes

Neutral Outlook                                  Good Humor

Russian Crisps                                    French Fries

Illiterate Children's Babble                  Kids Say the Darnedest Things

Can you guess what Billy came up with for this original name?

"weak sun of the night that goofs with the tide yet makes lovers swoon and orbits our golden orb in an orderly fashion"

 A: the moon

 

Billy's Bio

born:  Menlo Park, NJ (that's why he's called 'the other wizard of Menlo park' [not to disparage Thomas Edison]} At age 3, the family moved to Muleshoe, TX when Billy's dad won a promotion to District Sales Manager for Amway.

Parents:  William Jefferson Bubblegum, District Sales Manager for Amway (West Texas division), and avid Canasta player, croquet player, and amateur badminton line judge. Bernice Attila Bubblegum, nee Bates, winner of the Tom Bean County Fair Quilting Bee of 1961, known far and wide for her New England boiled dinners.

Education:  Muleshoe High School, member of the Muleshoe Marching Marsupials Band, Secretary of the astrology club, third-place in the school horse shoes tournament

Hobbies:  butterfly collection, Sudanese cooking, long walks

Marital Status:  engaged to Helga Bertha Listz, former East German luge champion. Met as penpal 1996.

Current Residence:  Davey Crockett State Prison, TX

Crime:  possession of counterfeit Dallas Ballet tickets

Career Plans:  hopes to be employed as a theater usher or concession worker at Dallas Stars Hockey games.

Life's biggest thrill to date:  sat in audience for "The Price Is Right', 1978

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