THE UNIVERSE
ACCORDING TO BILLY BUBBLEGUM

POETRY

BELIEVERS

A recent Astrological chart
Had the following to report
You'll meet a Leo
On a trip to Rio
The two of you never will part

Hence I called American Express
And spoke to an agent named Bess
She had me flown there
On economy fare
A great deal I must confess

Down in that tropical place
I searched every girl's face
But not one it seems
Was the stuff of my dreams
Of her there wasn't a trace

Back home weary and broke
After a fitful night I awoke
I felt I'd been robbed
In the wee hours sobbed
Astrology is a cruel joke

Yet today's Astrological chart
Says regarding my heart.....

 

STITCHES

Learning to walk
Tripped over my feet
Stitches!
Riding my bike
Fell in the street
Stitches!

Wanted to dance
Chose a Western bar
Stitches!
Fell asleep driving
Wrecked my new car
Stitches!

Told my wife
Clean up this mess
Stitches!
Arrested last night
I refused to confess
Stitches!

 

BILLY BUBBLEGUM'S HELPFUL HINTS

What to do when you retire:

1-start a photo collection of women Bill Clinton is accused of ravishing

2-buy a telescope and try to find undiscovered asteroids

3-take up Sudanese cooking

4-volunteer to do free local spying for the CIA

5-join the OJ Simpson Fan Club

6-cross dress and hang around the Garden Club

7-play golf with a baseball bat and croquet mallet (you can "drive" 400 yards with a Louisville Slugger!)

8-stalk Kathy Bates

9-try to be pen-pals with Saddam Hussein

10-go to the bus station and compile a list of where everyone is going

11-be the first person to kick a rock from Maine to California

12-eat ice cream for breakfast

 

BILLY BUBBLEGUM'S HISTORY TIPS

A comparison of Beatniks and Hippies:

1 -most common phrases

B: like cool man, way out, far out
H: down with LBJ, down w/ Nixon, down w/ war

2-food

B: no food, drink coffee and hot cider
H: ate anything after smoking pot

3-politics

B: not interested
H: pro Che, pro Ho, pro Fidel

4-music

B: jazz
H: Country Joe, Jimmy Hendricks

5-games

B: chess
H: running nude at sports events, streaking

6-transportation

B: feet, public bus
H: capitalistic, fascist Dad's car

7-use of fingers

B: for snapping
H: for tossing flowers and Molotov cocktails

Neither wore BBQ aprons which is why there were few of either in Texas.

 

 

*******************************************

DEAR SNAKE

Snake,

Mangler, Angola, Louisiana

Dear Mangler,

Snake

****************************

Dear Snake,

Were you an abused child?

Connie, Philadelphia PA

Dear Connie,

I'd like to help you, but due to a head injury at age 10, I don't recall my childhood.

Snake

**************************

Dear Snake,

So, just how you make parole in Texas?

Lucky

Dear Lucky,

With a hack saw.

Snake

************************

Dear Reader

Please E-MAIL me any question you would like me to answer in this column

Until Next Issue,

Snake

**************************

THE PSYCATRIST

Interesting!............
    A college professor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.
    To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
   The women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computer is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

WISDOM
Bees are interesting. You have your queen, workers, unemployed, and stingers. The confusing ones to me are lady bugs. I mean, are there gentlemen bugs or do the poor guys get tagged as lady bugs too? And what about Daddy long legs vs. Mommy long legs, ants vs. uncles, black widows vs. widowers. Some people think a colt is a male or female young horse. However, the colt is a male, unless it's a Colt 45 which can be a gun or a beer. If you spelled filly with a "ph " it can be a sandwich or baseball player, but never can a colt be a female horse.

IT USED TO BE CALLED....
[Few, people know this, but Billy Bubblegum is responsible for many of the product names we know today. The original names would likely have resulted in multiple bankruptcies. Mr. Bubblegum changed them in order to promote American values, the Western way, etc. Indeed, our economy was likely saved by these gems. In the left-hand column are the original names; in the right are Billy Bubblegum's suggestions.]

Original Names                            Bubblegum Suggestions

William Penn Rolled Mush                                Quaker Oats

Quaker Wheats                                               Wheaties

Mulberry Gills                                                 Huckleberry Finn

Sad Circles                                                      Cheerios

Alaskan Cakes                                                   Eskimo Pies

Robert Stockings                                              Bobbie Sox

Mangled Farina                                                 Shredded Wheat

Clothing For Freakish Men                                 Big & Tall Men's Shop

The Winter, Spring, Summer & Fall Quartet       The Four Seasons

Intermittent White Cakes                                Twinkies

***************************************

Q.  Can you guess what Billy came up with for this original name?

Louisville Grease Boiled Birds

A:   Kentucky Fried Chicken

Billy's Bio

born:  Menlo Park, NJ (that's why he's called 'the other wizard of Menlo park' [not to disparage Thomas Edison]} At age 3, the family moved to Muleshoe, TX when Billy's dad won a promotion to District Sales Manager for Amway.

Parents:  William Jefferson Bubblegum, District Sales Manager for Amway (West Texas division), and avid Canasta player, croquet player, and amateur badminton line judge. Bernice Attila Bubblegum, nee Bates, winner of the Tom Bean County Fair Quilting Bee of 1961, known far and wide for her New England boiled dinners.

Education:  Muleshoe High School, member of the Muleshoe Marching Marsupials Band, Secretary of the astrology club, third-place in the school horse shoes tournament

Hobbies:  butterfly collection, Sudanese cooking, long walks

Marital Status:  engaged to Helga Bertha Listz, former East German luge champion. Met as penpal 1996.

Current Residence:  Davey Crockett State Prison, TX

Crime:  possession of counterfeit Dallas Ballet tickets

Career Plans:  hopes to be employed as a theater usher or concession worker at Dallas Stars Hockey games.

Life's biggest thrill to date:  sat in audience for "The Price Is Right', 1978

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