THE UNIVERSE
ACCORDING TO BILLY BUBBLEGUM

POETRY

BILLY BUBBLEGUM'S LAWYER

You're a lucky man to have hired me
First thing I'll do is get your bond lowered
They'll let you out of jail tomorrow
You'll go strolling out the jailhouse door

OK so I didn't get you out
Don't sweat it. We have a winning case
I'll rip them to pieces at your trial
You'll be walking free out of this place

Man, talk about an unjust system
Ninety-nine years, what a rotten deal
But don't you worry about a thing
You'll be out quick after the Appeal

Hello, you've been locked up twenty years?
Well, that's too bad and a doggone shame
What's that you say, you were my client?
Dam if I recall you, what's your name?

Perhaps it's not too late to help you
Just keep your outlook bright and sunny
Send someone over to my office
With all that's left of your money

BILLY BUBBLEGUM'S HELPFUL HINTS

How to get rid of pests who overstay their welcome:

1-pretend your remote control is a radon tester and comment on the high reading today

2-glance out the window several times, then say, "We're expecting the police."

3-excuse yourself to call your doctor to find out if you're contagious

4-ask the guest if he would mind washing your car

5-sit on the couch and sharpen your steak knives

6-start a long discussion of proper behavior in the presence of British royalty

7-ask, "Would you like to pet my new pit bull?"

8-pour 18 oz. glasses of Gallo wine and ask if anyone would like to take LSD with theirs

9-bring your chickens in the house and feed them breadcrumbs at your guests' feet

10-read Billy Bubblegum poems and offer peanut buttered pickles for a snack

THE PSYCATRIST

Purrzac: Constant fights, tawdy Queens, life on the edge -

I had to escape the Alley.

THE GENIUS OF BELLY BUBBLEGUM

I'm thinking we really do need a new "Queen for a Day" with a slightly different format...

Contestant # 1, Hilda Faye Bumgardener, Philadelphia PA

Hilda's mutual fund underperformed in the bull market and she will not be able to retire at age 30 as planned.

Contestant #2, Rene Renee Jones, Cocoa Beach, FL

Rene Renee was under-insured when hurricane Carl destroyed her gazebo and plastic flamingoes.

Contestant #3, Francis Peterson-Smythe, Lexington KY

Ms. Peterson-Smythe has been unable to find documents proving she should be allowed to join the DAR.

Please submit your votes or enter write-in candidates.

 

Billy's Bio

born:  Menlo Park, NJ (that's why he's called 'the other wizard of Menlo park' [not to disparage Thomas Edison]} At age 3, the family moved to Muleshoe, TX when Billy's dad won a promotion to District Sales Manager for Amway.

Parents:  William Jefferson Bubblegum, District Sales Manager for Amway (West Texas division), and avid Canasta player, croquet player, and amateur badminton line judge. Bernice Atilla Bubblegum, nee Bates, winner of the Tom Bean County Fair Quilting Bee of 1961, known far and wide for her New England boiled dinners.

Education:  Muleshoe High School, member of the Muleshoe Marching Marsupials Band, Secretary of the astrology club, third-place in the school horse shoes tournament

Hobbies:  butterfly collection, Sudanese cooking, long walks

Marital Status:  engaged to Helga Bertha Listz, former East German luge champion. Met as penpal 1996.

Current Residence:  Davey Crockett State Prison, TX

Crime:  possession of counterfeit Dallas Ballet tickets

Career Plans:  hopes to be employed as a theater usher or concession worker at Dallas Stars Hockey games.

Life's biggest thrill to date:  sat in audience for "The Price Is Right', 1978

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