THE UNIVERSE
ACCORDING TO BILLY BUBBLEGUM

POETRY

Real Sports for Real Men

Football is all run, pass, punt and catch.
Baseball is simply throw, hit and fetch.
Track is run, jump and leap till you wretch.
Real men can be found in a Dart match.

Hockey is slapping a stupid puck.
Horse racing is nothing but pure luck.
Hunting is shooting a sitting duck.
Real men watch women wrestle in muck.

Boxing is learning to take a punch.
Ski jumping will make you lose your lunch.
Polo ponies will cost you a bunch.
You are a real man, I have a hunch.

A screaming shuttlecock whizzes by.
A crochet ball has a wicked lie.
A 7-10 split to gamely try --
these sports are for real men, do or die.

BILLY BUBBLEGUM'S HELPFUL HINTS

Billy Bubblegum has been engaged in some serious statistical research. Here are some of his results:

• number of Americans in favor of leniency for criminals -- 0
• number of Americans in favor of leniency for criminals who are members of their own family -- 300,000,000
• number of people in prison in Texas -- 150,000
• number of people in Texas who will go to prison eventually -- 20,000,000
• number of mental hospitals in Texas -- 1
• number of state prison in Texas --97
• number of public school teachers in Texas --20,000
• number of prison guards in Texas --44,000
• number of semen-stained dresses owned by Monica Lewinsky -- all
• number of semen-stained dresses owned by all other Americans --O
• national budget --$3.2 trillion
• percent of national budget earmarked for Kenneth Starr -- 95%

THE PSYCATRIST

Dr: How old were you when you stopped chasing your own tail?

Purrzac: People just can't seem to keep their hands off me.

We just seem to want different things. I want tuna in oil, she wants tuna in spring water.

Then, when we moved, they brought their kids with us.

THE GENIUS OF BILLY BUBBLEGUM

Proof of cat superiority, did you ever hear anyone say:
    He works like a cat?
    As a cat returns to its own vomit?
    Cat day afternoon?
    Catgone it?
    My cats are barking?
    I'm cat tired?
    You dirty cat?
    I lead a cat's life?
    Quit catting me?

Nope, those are dog words. You do hear:
    He's a cool cat.
    I purred like a cat.
    You're the cat's pajamas.

Billy's Bio

born:  Menlo Park, NJ (that's why he's called 'the other wizard of Menlo park' [not to disparage Thomas Edison]} At age 3, the family moved to Muleshoe, TX when Billy's dad won a promotion to District Sales Manager for Amway.

Parents:  William Jefferson Bubblegum, District Sales Manager for Amway (West Texas division), and avid Canasta player, croquet player, and amateur badminton line judge. Bernice Atilla Bubblegum, nee Bates, winner of the Tom Bean County Fair Quilting Bee of 1961, known far and wide for her New England boiled dinners.

Education:  Muleshoe High School, member of the Muleshoe Marching Marsupials Band, Secretary of the astrology club, third-place in the school horse shoes tournament

Hobbies:  butterfly collection, Sudanese cooking, long walks

Marital Status:  engaged to Helga Bertha Listz, former East German luge champion. Met as penpal 1996.

Current Residence:  Davey Crockett State Prison, TX

Crime:  possession of counterfeit Dallas Ballet tickets

Career Plans:  hopes to be employed as a theater usher or concession worker at Dallas Stars Hockey games.

Life's biggest thrill to date:  sat in audience for "The Price Is Right', 1978

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