YOU CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE
E-Mail by Calbraith MacLeod Bio/Address
I'm a Buddhist because when
I went to the Christian church they spent an hour telling me what was wrong with the
Catholics, the Mormons, the Jews, and the Muslims. Then, a Sensei, Zen Buddhism teacher,
came to the prison to teach "zazen" or sitting meditation. When someone told her
he was a Christian; she replied, "You can be anything you want to be." In a
world where everyone seems to want to chain you to their own brand of religion the
Sensei's words were most liberating.
I've found many people don't understand what Buddhism is about. Buddha,
which means "awake" is not someone you worship. Buddha is not somebody that was
born more than two thousand years ago and was wiser than you'll ever be. Buddha refers to
our inherent nature--and what that means is if you're going to be grown-up--which can be
defined as being completely at home in your world no matter how difficult the
situation--its because you will allow something that's already in you to be nurtured.
From a Buddhist perspective you are a perfect being just the way you
are. The problem, the thing that causes all our troubles and causes us to deliver trouble
to others, is our addiction to "I" or ego. We become addicted to this
"I" when we are young because it brings us things that give us pleasure. It's no
different than being addicted to Cocaine which also brings us pleasure. "I", the
ego, is completely about wanting things and devising ways to get things like money, drugs,
sex, toys, power, prestige, and our own way. When someone is ego driven, they are living
in a state of perpetual neediness and they are not controlling their own selves. The ego
driven person is not "awake" because he is led like a sleep walker by whatever
conjectures and desires the ego dreams up. Buddhism is about liberating yourself from the
bondage of the ego. Buddhism is about empowering yourself, not about getting things. When
asked what one gets out of Buddhism, one can only answer that it is not what I get out of
Buddhism, it's what I let go.
At the heart of our practice is "zazen" or sitting
meditation. At least twice a day, I sit myself on a stack of books, my knees on the floor.
I'm too old and stiff to use the traditional lotus position. But it doesn't matter. The
object of both sitting positions is that they keep one's posture in a comfortable, erect
position.
I meditate for 25 minutes at a time. Eyes open, counting my breaths to
ten and then to ten again. No hocus-pocus, no self-hypnosis, no struggling to blank out my
thoughts. Just sitting, breathing, letting, thoughts come and go, trying to remember not
to add anything to the thoughts. I'm learning to recognize the input of my ego, and I'm
learning how to gently dismiss such ego driven thinking. For example, I was meditating out
doors one day when another inmate came nearby and began bouncing a basketball on the
pavement. My mind went off on a tangent thinking--Who is it? Why are they doing that?
Can't they see I'm meditating? Are they doing it just to annoy me? Maybe they'd like a
punch in the head--Then I realized all this was generated by my ego. "I" had
taken what was only a movement and a sound and built them into this huge scenario. As soon
as I dismissed those ego generated thoughts, I settled back into a calm and natural state
of being. Through meditation I am learning to be objective, to be awake to what is really
going on and not fall prey to what my ego is generating.
While meditating I try to remember to use all disturbances as an
opportunity to stay awake and not let my ego lead me astray. The hope is, if I can learn
to do it while meditating, that "awakeness" will follow me a little more each
day into my everyday affairs. When I remain objective, not much irritates me, I stop
trying to control external events and people, and I don't feel deprived of things, even in
prison.
Zen Buddhism does suggest that one should follow certain standards of
behavior, as these standards will help one to stop accumulating karma that will cause him
further suffering. These standards are called the Ten Cardinal Precepts, and I've listed
them in order.
1. I resolve not to kill, but to cherish all life.
2. I resolve not to take what is not given, but to respect all things.
3. I resolve not to engage in improper sexuality, but to live a life of purity and self restraint.
4. I resolve not to lie but to speak the truth.
5. I resolve not to cause others to take alcoholic liquors or drugs that confuse the mind, nor to do so myself, but to keep the mind clear at all times.
6. I resolve not to speak of the misdeeds of others, but to be understanding and sympathetic.
7. I resolve not to praise myself and downgrade others, but to overcome my own shortcomings.
8. I resolve not to withhold spiritual or material aid, but to give them freely where needed.
9. I resolve not to become angry, but to exercise control.
10. I resolve not to revile the Three Treasures, Buddha, Dharma and Shangha, but to cherish and uphold them.
In precept number ten,
Buddha refers to the perfect, inherent being; Dharma refers to "divine" will and
everything real or true; and Shangha refers to the group of people one practices zazen
with. I realize what I've written might leave some readers with questions, but I am not a
teacher. I'm a student, just another passenger on the bus. There is a wealth of
information available about Buddhism through local Zen and Dharma centers you might find
in the phone directory and through books (One source of books on the subject is Dharma
Crafts, 405 Waltham Street. Suite 234, Lexington, Mass 02421). I encourage anyone with a
criminal history to look into the practice, since all of the criminal lifestyle is ego
driven.
Just remember, you can be anything you want to be.
Cal is a machinist by trade and has been a noncompetitive bodybuilder since 1979. A native of Vermont, he has served over seventeen calendar years in prison. He has spent time in five state correctional facilities, two federal penitentiaries, and two Federal Correctional Institution. During his incarceration, he has participated in numerous rehabilitation programs: Vermont Correctional Industries Apprenticeship program, Federal Drug and Alcohol Program, Thresholds, Vanguard, Vermont's Early Sex-offender Program, The Violent Offenders Program, Cognitive Skills, Anger Management, The Productive Living Unit, Emotional Awareness, and Self-esteem Group. While incarcerated at the Federal Penitentiary at Lompoc, California, Calbraith participated in the Chapman University Program and accumulated college course credits until he was returned to the Vermont state prison. He is currently serving a 40-year Vermont state prison term.
Calbraith MacLeod is author of the self-help book -- Practical Reformation (available $10.96 plus $2.00 S&H from Audenreed Press, Box 1305 #103, Brunswick, ME 04011) - and is currently serving a 40 year prison term. He may be contacted at:
Northwest State Correctional Facility
3649 Lower Newton Rd.
Swanton, VT 05488
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