LIFE AFTER DEATH

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E-Mail   BY BLAKE R. PIRTLE   Bio/Address

You want to step into my world; It’s a sicopsychotic state of bliss. You've been delayed in the real world. How many times have you hit and missed? Your cat-scan shows disfiguration, I wanna laugh myself to death. With a misfired synapse, with a bent configuration. I'll hold the line as you gasp for breath. You wanna talk to me, so talk to me. You wanna talk to me, you can't talk to me. You don't understand your sex, you ain't been mind fucked yet. Lets do it, yes lets do it. Oh, my distorted smile. Guess what I'm doing now?

MY WORLD BY: GUNS & ROSES^@

  Whenever I have been asked questions as to what my life or my days are like on death row, I have always wanted to send those lyrics to the person asking me. But I never wanted to disturb anyone too much and have him or her worrying about me. Now I am quite sure that everyone I know, in this life, knows that I am indeed sane and that I am going to be just fine.

I can very clearly still remember the day that a jury of my so-called peers told me that they thought I should die for my crimes. I sat there in disbelief, not feeling anything or showing any type of emotion at all. All I could think was that I don't blame them; it’s not their fault. The 13 of us had just sat through a meaningless trial where I was painted as the worst person that you could imagine. We sat through a trial full of lies and deceit. As a matter of fact, the only truth that took place during the whole trial was my defense and testimony. So I could not sit there and hold any grudge against the 12 jurors that had just been convinced to murder me in the name of justice. In fact, I felt bad for them. I had killed myself and was still trying to come to grips with the terrible choices I had made. And here were 12 honest hard working citizen that had just decided to kill me and they had been convinced to do it through lies and deceit. The only difference at that point between them and myself was that I did what I did and it was against the law. They were going to be able to hide behind the mask of so-called justice. I just hoped that they would be able to sleep better at night than I did. I never once denied my guilt. So my trial had no purpose at all, except to ensure that I received the death penalty. 

For 6 long weeks I had to sit there and listen to the lies and deceit, wondering the whole time if maybe it may all be true. Did I just not see it? It was, in fact, the most helpless that I have ever felt in my whole life. Who were people going to believe? The police, detectives, jailhouse snitches, and prosecutors? Or a man that had killed two people in the course of a robbery? Well, you figure it out. I couldn't challenge the lies and deceit because I had no credibility. Even though from the beginning of it all I had stood up and accepted responsibility, I left the courthouse that day on my way to death row, feeling ashamed, broken, and beat down. Little did I know that by not challenging the lies and deceit at that time 8 years latter it was going to rescue me from hell!

The strange thing about being told that you are a monster and should die for your crimes and sins against man is that if you hear it enough and really listen to it, you start to believe it and agree. And starting my life on death row here at Walla Walla only increased the self-pity 100 fold. I entered my life here on death row, pretty well beaten even though I was saying all the right things. I will fight this until the end, the death penalty is unjust, and doesn't apply to me. The Death Penalty doesn't deter violent crime. It is only a sentence of revenge. 

Everything I felt and said was soon going to be tested to the limit. My introduction to life in prison was being placed right into a super max control unit. A unit set up and designed by the department of corrections to break down troublemakers and get them to change their aggressive behavior. It is a very effective unit too. But more times than not, it doesn't rehabilitate a problem inmate; it drives most inmates over the edge and create many more problems. 

So this was my new world. Why was I being housed in a punishment unit? My sentence of course. So I entered IMU, already feeling broken and on edge. After being thrust into this incredibly insane environment, I was expected to have the strength and desire to fight for my life? Now that was hard. Already I had been told so often that I was a monster that I was starting to believe it. Now I was going to be treated like an animal for the next 8 years with only a few short breaks in between. 

The best way to describe a super max unit to anyone that has never experienced one is to ask you to go to the dog pound and visit the dangerous dog section for a while. I was placed in a very small cell 23 hours a day, the light was never turned off, and I was fed through a small slot in the solid steel door. I got one hour in the exercise yard a day and a 10-minute shower. I did not leave my cell without being striped searched first, handcuffed, place on a dog leash with a two-guard escort. If I needed to shave I stood naked in the shower while a guard stood right there and watched me shave. This is the environment that I had to find the strength, desire, and courage to live and fight for my life.

I was 22 years old when I murdered 2 people in the course of a robbery. I was 24 years old when I was told I should die for my crimes. I entered my life on death row here at Walla Walla a very narrow minded, uneducated, emotionally distressed kid. I had very little support because all of the people that I considered friends no longer found me worthy of any type of companionship. The one thing that I had going for me that many people in my position do not have was that I had a very large family. Most of them were there to support me in my fight for life. No they did not condone what I had done. No one should! But their love for me never died and that is something that I will always be very thankful for. The other thing I carried with me into this life of death row that truly consumed me at times was a huge amount of guilt and remorse for what I had done. I knew within a week of my arrival on death row that I had better find a comfort zone - some way to balance the guilt that I suffered. If I could not do that, then my fight for life would be unsuccessful, that's for sure.

After and during a trial of this nature, you are pounded and beat down with everything that was bad in your life and all the bad things that you did. You start to buy into the thoughts and ideas because things in your life were not perfect - in some cases, down right insane. You begin to believe that you yourself had no chance at being good and something of this nature was bound to happen. And none of it is really your fault. You start to feel and believe that it was your destiny so to speak to be evil and bad. I also carried a lot of that within myself. It took me years to be able to focus on anything besides the bad things. 

But I started to adjust to my life on death row. Soon the confined space of my cell no longer bothered me. I enjoyed the solitude. I do, in fact, credit the super max unit for the mindset and strength I have today. I could deal with the cell, the light staying on 24 hours; I got used to it. The noise was another matter; it was enough to drive you insane. I learned to make and wear earplugs so I could think, and sleep. I even got used to the strip searches and showing my asshole to the guards. Once I learned that they did not enjoy looking at it as much as I hated showing it to them, I started to have some fun with it. I would get as close to the door as I could, spread my butt cheeks as far as I could and hold the pose for an extra minute or so at least until they said okay that's good.

I understood right away that I could not fight this fight alone. My family was great, but they could only do so much. So I started to contact every death penalty support group that I could. I started to place ads everywhere that I could think of. Soon the letters started to pour in from all over the world. Strangers from everywhere wrote to me to extend their hand of friendship and help me fight this fight. The smartest choice I every made in my life was to not approach any of these friendships as a hustle or a game. Not to go into it for self-gain or material items. To be completely honest with anyone that took the time to write to me, no matter how hard or painful it was. Because of that simple choice, I have been able to develop and enjoy some of the most rewarding, loving, and unconditional friendships that I have ever experienced. That has been completely priceless, and the very thing that has kept me going for these last 8 years. 

My next step was get involved with my appeals. I knew nothing about the appeal process, the law or the courts. Even though I had been in quite a bit of trouble in my past, it was all alien to me. I had never came close to going to prison and never went to trial. I always took the best deal and pled guilty to my crimes. Got my slap on the hand from the system and moved on. So this whole appeal process was new to me. 

I was soon to learn that appeals can be a complete nightmare. Thankfully, I have and had some very great attorneys throughout it all. I hated every step of this damn appeal process. First, I learn that I had made a terrible mistake - admitting my guilt. So many times I had to read from judges and courts, "Well there is no doubt to his guilt" and I was like no shit, I've admitted it from the start. But because I did, do I have to die for my crimes? It sure looked that way for quite some time. All I can say now, is, if facing the death penalty, never admit your guilt no matter if you feel its the right thing to do or not. It will only be used against you!

The next step and by far the hardest one that I needed to accomplish to succeed in my fight for life was this. I had to learn to love myself again! No, not forgive myself because I don't think I could ever truly forgive myself for what I did. But to love myself! I have never really hated anything or anyone in my whole life, but after I did what I did and after going through my trial I flat out hated myself. I hated the way I lived my life and the choices I made. I hated that I had murdered two very innocent people that had every right to live. I hated that, through my actions, I had destroyed my own life along with many others. I hated to even look at myself in the mirror. Thankfully the cells in IMU have no mirrors so that is something that I didn't have to do often. Because of the solitude of the super max unit, I was able to look deep within myself. What I soon discovered was that the guilt I suffered was in fact a good thing. I couldn't deny it, run from it or act like what I did did not trouble me. What I had to do was embrace it and not let it consume me. It would forever be a part of my life; I just couldn't let it control my life. I also was able to look deep within myself and love myself. I had to see more than just the bad. People are not born bad, they chose to be bad and they chose to do bad things. I realized that not everything about myself was in fact bad, not everything about my life or childhood was bad. It would only remain bad if I chose to only see the bad.

I realized that I had a strong desire to change, to be good and do good things with my life. Deep down inside of me I had a good heart and felt like I was a good person. But now how do I show others this? How do I try to do good and give something, no matter how small, back? I do believe that I have made great strides in this area, and it wasn't easy. I also learned that I was a very stubborn man. I was very set in a lot of my dysfunctional ways. This is still and always will be a work in progress. I learned that it’s a whole lot harder to be good and make good, smart choices in your life than to be bad and selfish. But after about 2 years I was able to start to love myself again and become a completely different person than I was on that day in 1993 when a jury sentenced me to death. No I do not give myself all the credit. I would have never grown into the person I am today without the guidance, love, and support from the hundreds of strangers that blessed my life. But I do give credit to myself for the complete honesty and openness with which I approached them . Without that everything would have remained meaningless and I would not have changed one bit.

There is no way that I could possibly explain the process of a death penalty appeal to you all or what life on death row is like. It is one huge roller coaster ride of emotions and a total mind fuck. The reason so many people give up their appeals and let the government kill them is not out of guilt for their crimes or remorse, but because emotionally they just cannot take it anymore. I reached that point many of times myself. I would sit in this cell and ask myself, "What the hell am I even fighting for? What's the point of it all? I have an easy way out, a way to stop all my pain and misery." 

In my past I always took the easy way out. I always gave up when things got to hard to deal with. Whether it was through drug abuse, or just walking away from my responsibilities. I bailed out, took the chicken shit way out. Well not this time! Even if it was to be spent forever in prison, I would fight for life to the very bitter end. Win or lose at least I would be able to say that for once I fought for something I felt passionate about. For 8 long years I dealt with the appeal process. Many times, it completely drained me. At times things would look so good, my issues seemed so strong. At others times, I would feel like I had no chance of winning at all. Up and down I rode this bronco, always trying to stay positive and never letting my fears show. Those of you who have written to me over the years have seen this and lived it with me. Even though I knew I didn't have to, I've tried so hard to keep my emotional duress out of my letters and phone calls to you. Well, I am happy to report to all of you readers that the ride from hell is just about over for me and that this is a success story. On June 28, 2001 a Federal Judge out of Spokane Washington overturned my sentence of death. I still write to you from death row waiting to be moved, but as I write my sentence is no longer death, but stands at life without parole.

I know I titled this column Life After Death. Some of you may not comprehend the depth of that? For 8 years now no matter how good things looked or how positive I was about my future, I have truly felt like I was just waiting around to die. Time had no meaning for me what so ever because I knew that, if it ran its course, I was going to be hung by my government. So I truly feel as if I have been given a whole new life and a new destiny to fulfill in this life. The death penalty and the appeal process are to me by far the cruelest thing you can put a human being through. Now I know that might sound very strange coming from a self admitted murder of two people. But look at it through my eyes. Yes, I murdered two people. But it happened in a split second - an irrational choice made in a moment of time. If they knew at all that they were in fact going to die, it was very, very briefly. I on the other hand have been forced to think about my own death for over 8 years now. And think about it I did, every single day - the countless sleepless nights walking the gallows stairs. I can still remember very clearly when I lost my first appeal and had to go to court to have an execution date set. Even though I knew it would never happen and I would have a stay within hours, I can still remember walking out of that courtroom, seeing the complete fear in my baby sister’s eyes. Then on the drive back to Walla Walla wondering, "Doesn't anyone else find it morbid that a date time and hour was just set to kill me?" 

Capital punishment is one of the most shameful acts that the United States is guilty of. I would not wish the process or life on my worst enemies and that is the truth! You see, when we kill someone through the process of capital punishment, 90% of the time we are not killing the same person that committed the horrible act that placed them on death row. You are in fact killing a completely different person! You have given them 10, 15, or 20 years to grow and change into someone else. I am a perfect example of that. If my execution had ever been carried out, they would not have killed the drug addicted kid that murdered two people. They would be killing a man that had changed in so many ways that most people from my past would not even believe that I was the same person.

I have known now for almost 2 years that I was going to win my appeal. The way things developed and the way the law supported my issues, left me with no doubt that I was going to win. But for me to sit here and tell you that it washed away all my doubts and fears would be for me to sit here and lie to you. No matter how good things look or appear nothing is certain when you’re dealing with the death penalty. No one can guess or predict how a judge or court is going to rule in your case. To do so is flat out asinine! But 2 years of looking at my issues and the law that supported me told me I was going to win. But in the last year I became completely sure that I would win. Call it faith, call it whatever you please? But this is what convinced me. As I have told you I made great strides in becoming a good person, so that's part of it. But in the last year I have been blessed with a love that I thought I would never be capable of experiencing again. My life was blessed with a couple of childhood friends from my past that mean the world to me. And my son Devon who was born while I was waiting to go to trial has now become a huge part of my life after 8 1/2 years. So I knew deep in my heart that there was no way that God, or whoever you like, would bring these elements into my life, would bless me in so many ways, if it wasn't in fact my destiny to be around for a very long time to rekindle and enjoy the beauty of it all.

My story and appeal is a success for a bigger reason than just delivering me from the insane sentence of death. It is a success because through my case we were able to set and establish some great case law that is going to help many more condemned people in their appeals. This fight wasn't about innocence like so many are. It was about justice and your constitutional rights. Rights that are guarantied to every American and yet are violated so often by the government and police, and ignored by the courts. The greatest pleasure I get out of all of this is knowing that, by fighting and never giving up, I may in fact be helping to deliver many others from the evil sentence of death!

From the very start of all of this I have tried my very best to become a better person in life. I have made great strides in doing just this with very limited resources available to me. Now since my life and my whole world are about to change, so many more things will be available to me to continue in my growth process. I will continue to strive to do good and look forward to it very much. Hopefully soon I will be able to write a column about all the changes in my life and how I am applying them in a positive way? Never once throughout all of this have I allowed myself to feel self-pity or sorry for myself. I made the choices in life and did the things that landed me where I am. No, it was not the fault of the drugs or a violent, abusive childhood. Yes, they may have guided me on the paths that I chose to take in my life. That is the key statement. The choices I made! I hold myself completely responsible for all the things that I did in life. I do carry a heavy burden guilt and remorse for the lives that I have turned upside down and destroyed. I will always carry that burden. Not too many people could walk in my shoes, or endure the shame I do. But I will not let that stop me from continuing to grow and become a better man.

Now I know that, to most everyone, a life without the possibility of release or parole is not something that would be seen as a good thing? In a lot of ways, I don't either. But it beats the hell out of death. The difference is that I will be alive. I know I can create a life for myself even from behind these steel bars and walls. I also feel that I will accomplish great things that will make many proud to know me and be a part of my life. I also, even though its hard to admit, feel that I have no right, considering what I did, to expect to ever have a life outside of prison.

I really wanted to take the time to thank everyone that has blessed my life. But I got kind of long winded with this column, and I apologize for that, because to write my thank-you's would take about 2 more Pasca! :-) I want you all to know though that I could never have done this without your support and love. So many times throughout these years I have felt so damn close to that edge - standing there and looking over and thinking, "It sure would be a lot easier to just step off and end it all." But through your letters, phone calls, visits, support and guidance, I was able to always step back and know that I was much more capable of a higher greatness, than to just give up once again. I look forward to many, many years of friendship, growth, laughs, and even painful times with you all!

I do have to thank the attorneys that worked on my appeal and to save my life. All 8 of them throughout these 9 years. You are the true hero's in this! You didn't fight for innocence, you never condoned what I did. You fought for me based solely on your principles and morals. You saw in me a man that committed a brutal crime, yet a man that was still worthy of life. Sure, a life in prison forever, but a life none the less. You didn't do it for money or for glory. You did it because it was right and what you believed in. You held my hand (so to speak) at the worst of times and always accepted my calls whenever I just needed someone to talk to. I don't know why or how you do the work you do. But you are the best! And I am very thankful (to say the least) that you do what you do. 

Todd Maybrown, you will forever be my guardian angel! Without you and the very detailed, committed work you did, I would be dead. If not by now, then in a few short years! If for no other reason, I have to continue to grow and become a better man for you. You believed in me and I owe you that along with my life. Todd, only you and I know the true state that my appeal was in when you came aboard. It was the most fearful thing I have ever experienced in my Life! You are a true savior!! I am looking forward to being able to call you every year on your birthday to say happy birthday to you, like you told me you wanted me to be able to do!

What the hell, my awesome publishers are just going to have to deal with it! Because I have to take the time to personally thank some of the people that have given me such a wonderful rewarding life, through their lover friendship, guidance, and direction. This will not be in any particular order at all and I hope not to leave anyone out. Just know that I love you all with every inch of my heart. And that, through you, I have lived more and experienced more life in my 8 years on death row than I ever did in 22 years of freedom! I still have a long road of growth ahead of me. I will continue to take those baby steps and make the most of each day of my life. I cherish you all completely and, of course, you all know that you have to SMILE FOR ME!! :-)

Lori Lynn, you are truly the most beautiful woman that I have ever known. Thank you for ripping the chains off of my heart and allowing me to experience love once again on this level. We may never have all that we want? But you will forever and always be the keeper of my heart and soul. 

Kirsten, my career college student, you were the first true friend that I ever had in my life. Even though I wasn't looking for a girlfriend, you so bluntly told me that you would be my friend but not my girlfriend. Hey, you also told me to stick to words that I knew, but I still think you’re the cats meow! 

Laura, thank you for coming back into my life after 20 years of separation. No one forgets his or her first childhood love. Thank you for letting me remember a time in my life when I was still pure and innocent. You are a very beautiful woman, Laura, a great mother and wife. 

To Sandy, you are the classiest broad that I have ever known. I am cherishing your friendship very much. 

Tara, well you knew that I would know exactly who was sending me an E-mail. But how did you know that I didn't know a lot of Tara's in my life? :•) I do hope that we will be able to establish a meaningful connection with one another. 

Julie Z. What can I say my dear friend? It all started with what I thought was a silly poem that you would never choose to publish in your book. You have inspired me beyond belief Julie. You were in fact that first step in my long process of growth and doing something meaningful with my life. 

Nancy & Rusty, activist to the core I love you guys! Keep fighting for all of that peace, justice, and action. Just try to avoid any arrests! 

Claudia & Laird, you could never know just how scared I was to start writing for The Cell Door Magazine. Even just writing silly stuff about sports spooked me pretty good. But through it all you have been some of the most encouraging friends that I have had. Thank you for never allowing me to be mediocre and giving me the courage to expand my writing. You have been more than just simple friends to me; you have also been my teachers. 

To my niece DeAnne, I will always admire you for the life that you've had to live and the things you had to endure. Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself, I can just sit back and think what you've gone through. Everything that I must deal with seems very minor after that. Thank you for always being in tune with my darker needs and the importance of physical contact. 

Doug, sadly we both went through some of the same addictions. You, though, recognized your vises a long time before they destroyed you and your love ones. I am very much looking forward to our friendship growing throughout the years. 

To Tar, through you I was able to see and understand what true Christian love was all about. You have been a huge influence in my life. 

Todd Moore, you opened my world to the world of arts and theater. Who would have ever thought? :•) I have felt so privileged to work on your play about the death penalty with you. I know that it will be a huge success! I am honored to also know that I, at times, influence your characters in your work. That is awesome my friend. My only regret is that I will never get the chance to see you perform. 

To little Blake, Loren & my nephews and nieces. Thank you for loving me for no other reason than me just being your uncle and friend. A child's non-judgmental love is the purest form of love that I have ever experienced.

To all my overseas, and European friends, you are truly the most compassionate people that I have ever known. You opened my eyes and life to new cultures and life styles. Before I started to write to a lot of you, Texas was as foreign to me as England. Hell, anywhere farther than Montana was foreign to me. Your passion and fight against the death penalty is unmatched. On my worst days I could just pull out one of your letters and know that there were people all over the world that were helping me fight this fight. That has been priceless.

My family! I cannot put into simple words how much I love you all. My heart truly bleeds for you all. I put you all through hell and shamed you. Yet, you never stopped loving me. I have asked for so much and could only give so little in return. So everything I do with my life is done for you as much as it is done for myself. Your unconditional love has kept me balanced throughout the years. Thanks so very much! I couldn't have done it without you.

Okay now to all of my attorneys. Don Westerman & John Rodgers, my trial attorneys. I know that, in a lot of ways, you feel as if you failed me? But the truth is that you did a great job. Sure mistakes were made, but compared to all the other death penalty trials I have reviewed, you did a very competent job for me. 

Joan Fisher, my first appeal attorney, I know you feel bad, but that is just plain crazy. If not for your guidance and direction from the start of my appeals, I may not have found the strength to fight for my life. You treated me as a friend as well as a client and that meant the world to me, Joan. If you feel bad about Quackenbush's ruling of ineffective counsel, then lets blame it on that attorney we had removed from my appeal that claimed he did all the work on my appeal and you just signed your name to it! :-) 

Jeffery Finer & Charles Dorn, well, all that I can say about the work you did is that it was completely unacceptable! I know your hearts were in the right place though and you had my best interests at heart. I just hope that if you ever take on another death penalty appeal, that you get someone with death penalty experience to work with you on it. 

Todd Maybrown & James Lobsenz, you two are and will be my hero's for as long as I live. I cannot put into simple words how much I admire you. We all know that, without you, I would be as good as dead. So we will just leave it at that.

Last but certainly not least - my son Devon and his mother Alice. Alice, you are one of the best mothers I have ever known, but then that's why I was so excited about having a child with you. Thank you for letting Devon make the choice whether he wanted to be a part of my life or not. Devon, you are everything to me, son. I have failed you miserably, but I have loved and wanted you from the very first day that your mother told me we were going to have you. Now that you are a part of my life, my world will always be beautiful and full. I promise you Devon that I will always give you everything that I have to give. I feel truly blessed that I am getting the chance to know you and be a part of your life. You are a smart and beautiful young man. I am very proud of you son.  

 

Letter of Thanks from Blake Pirtle

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