kick it!

The command flashed through my mind as I continued struggling with a stubborn fire. I couldn't take it any longer. All I wanted to do was run away, leaving behind all of the pain and disgrace of my failures. Instead, I jammed a long Mesquite branch into the teepee- shaped stack of branches in an attempt to stir up a fire. Somehow, some way, I'd make the flame start.

I whipped the stick through the quickly dying embers creating a current of air. There! Beautiful, yellow-red fire burst out and began devouring the pile of thin twigs. Tiny green-blue line streaking up jittering flames, turning into wisps of smoke. A dry breeze whistled through the creek bed, swirling the smoke and shredding it into nothingness a foot above the growing fire.

Waiting to be certain the flames wouldn't die out, I glanced around my small camp. It was nothing to be proud of. Even the small orange pup Tent seemed to sag with desperation. My blue sleeping bag was protruding from the front, flap in the same messy pile it had been since I'd kicked it off of me this morning. I could almost hear Krystal, my deceased wife — chastising me over it

" Josh, clean that up!" she'd say. Her blue eyes would sparkle, and her beautiful, sweet smile would crease her lips. The breeze would toss her long blond hair audit was something I didn't want to think about. She was gone, and I had to let her rest. I stood and checked the homemade fishing pole hanging over the brackish water. Staring into the dark depths, I lost track of time and a full hour slipped by with me sitting there attempting to coax one of the lazy fish onto my line. Nothing happened.

I saw flashes of silver as the fish rolled closer to the surface. Ignoring totally my appetizing bait. The two tiny bells I had fastened to the tip of my pole as a warning device remained quiet and undisturbed. Not only was my life falling apart and crumbling at my feet, but the fish were turning against me too.

My hope had been that this camping trip would enable me to relax and ease my mind from the frustration of being laid off from work, again. It turned out to be one of the most memorable disasters in recent memory.

Not only was I unable to relax, I was actually becoming more depressed. A fierce sorrow blossomed inside me, growing steadily stronger with each passing moment. I was beginning to fear myself. My thoughts were becoming morbid— self-destructive!

"Hello, I am Rachel." came a small, distant voice from the other side of my camp.

I scanned the area but only saw the same smattering of mesquite trees and sagebrush that served as company throughout my trip. I twisted around further, continuing to search for the voice's source.

There was nothing to see. I decided to circle the area. Apparently some kids were playing games with me. If I caught them, I'd make certain that they'd never •gain play games with anyone.

I made a wide arc, investigating all of the small shadowed impressions in the land. I searched behind a pile of boulders, disturbing a sunning rattlesnake but nothing else. Eventually I made a full circle, coming up toward my camp from behind the tent, still I saw no one.

They must have left, I reasoned probably sitting back and laughing at me creeping around the creek bed. I was hot. Hot and feeling foolish for falling for their childish prank.

I stomped back to the camp and sat down on my rock seat. The fire was dying once again, so I built it back up. The growing flames brought me a sense of security as I pondered the mysterious voice. I wondered if they would come back.

"I won't harm you," again came the tiny voice. "Just turn down your light."

Startled, I spun around, knocking my dinner— canned beans— onto their side at the edge of the fire. The shadows in the gullies seemed to be jumping with life.

Flickers of movement dodged just outside of my sight. Each time I focused on the area, they'd be gone.

What was happening? I thought of the stories played out on the nightly news. Chills worked their way up my spine, sending tingles and Goosebumps down the tanned flesh of my arms as I pictured the late-night anchorman solemnly telling the public about the gruesome murder victims discovered up and down Jackson Creek.

The fire cracked angrily, making me recall all of the campfire stories I had always scoffed off. Ghosts, UFO's, and all of the rest of the supernatural events that everyone swore that they had seen. It always seemed so outlandish, how could there be unknown aliens about while we lived in the most technologically advanced society existing on the face of the earth. Ghosts were even more unimaginable. "Get off of it," I berated myself. It was only some kids out having fun with an old man.

A flicker came from my right. I looked. Nothing.

Could there actually be ghosts? I wondered. Was this one? Or, I more rationally reasoned, had the isolation finally gotten to me. I knew that I hadn't been quite the same since Krystal had died, but—

I shoved the thought away and stood uncertainly on the sandy ground. The day was quickly passing into evening, darkening the area and making me fear venturing away from the protective circle cast by my fire. In the darkness, I might encounter the voices again. Or worse, what if I encountered what was behind the voices?

Carefully, I backed closer to the warm fire. The evening's shadows followed me until they created an unnatural wall of darkness around my camp. Outside of the flame's glow, I saw nothing.

Something caught my left foot, causing me to stumble. My duffel bag. I knelt down and rummaged through the familiar vinyl bag. There had to be something that I could use as a weapon inside. Finally, my fingers closed around something hard and heavy. I pulled it out.

Another can of beans.

I felt foolish brandishing a can of beans for a weapon, but there was nothing else I could use. At least it was better than facing the unknown empty-handed.

I caressed the rigged sides, feeling an intense loneliness pass over me. I missed the comfort of my garage apartment. Even the closed-up smell would be welcomed in place of standing at the edge of the growing darkness with a can of beans in my hand. I longed to hear the incessant flow of speeding traffic blasting by only a few feet from my tiny bedroom window.

My mind was instantly made up. I was leaving. Just thinking of getting back home lifted my depression a little. Once I was inside, I would be safe from what ever was out here.

The thought hadn't even cleared my mind when without a sound or any kind of warning, a shimmering visage appeared at the edge of the fire's ring of light.

Run! I turned to the side but panic set in, freezing me in place. Instead of dashing through the low growing trees and down the creek's sandy banks, I stood slack-jawed and mute. In awe, I watched the phenomenon and attempted to rationalize what I saw.

Like a rippling lake of water, the air wavered, circles expanding from its center. At first there was just a shapeless oval wave spreading ever outward until disappearing into the cocoon of blackness. Soon, the rolling waves began to form a misty configuration. It was taking shape!

The transparent tendrils of mist waved themselves into a human silhouette. First .a pair of thin, short legs formed, followed by a torso and finally a head appeared at the visage's top.

A woman! ———

Long, straight black hair cascaded over her shoulders and partly obscured her thin unblemished face. She looked no older than 20 and wore the same simple clothes of a T-shirt and jeans as I. She wasn't exactly solid, for I could see the moon's reflection bouncing off the creek through her center. Yet, she appeared to be solidifying even more, right before my eyes.

The urge to touch her came. I wanted nothing more in my life than to see if she was actually there. Even better, was she actually immaterial, something not of this world? Dropping the canned beans, I reached out. Behind me, the fire let out a sharp pop that echoed through the small valley. The visage flinched at the sound and disappeared.

My eyes shot around. The fear and panic of earlier now changed into the familiar feeling of loss. The girl’s words played through my mind. I searched for an answer to why she had gone. Then I remembered.

The fire.

Scooping up a double handful of the cool brown sand, I spun and tossed it into the dancing flames. More handfuls followed the first, until I had smothered out the flames that I had fought so hard to create earlier.

Now what?

After waiting, with only the chirping crickets to keep me company, I dropped back down to my rock seat and picked up the discarded can of cold beans. Slowly, I stirred my spoon through the beans and waited, wondering what would happen

BOW*

A bullfrog let out a croak, causing me to jerk in surprise. I caught my breath and chastised myself for being so skittish. Somehow, I knew that I must remain calm if I wish the girl to return. I forced my heart to slow and resumed my wait.

Sleep soon enveloped me. Dreams of distant times passed through my mind. On a yacht, Krystal and I sailed through the Caribbean for our honeymoon. I saw myself in my research lab, discovering a cure for HIV. Bank statements showing more money than anyone could ever spend in a single lifetime. A yellow BMW crashing into the side of a train... A funeral... The sense of failure... lonesomeness...

I awoke with a start and stared into the wide, blue eyes of the visage, less than four feet away she squatted, studying me. Her body put off a light greenish glow, reminding me of the lights on my car's dashboard. In the glow I could see her features.

She had the palest skin of anyone I had ever seen, yet, she didn't look sickly. Her hair shimmered with lustrous life, while her lips were slightly parted, the end's rising into a permanent half-smile.

I looked into her eyes and she turned slightly. Repeatedly, I tempted to establish eye contact with her. But she always turned, avoiding my direct stare.

"Who... Are you? Came a scratchy voice. Shocked, I realized that it was my own.

The surprise must have registered on my face for she smile and I was overcome with a feeling of joy and friendship I'd only felt one time before, that was years past, with my wife.

"I'm Rachel," came the same soft voice from earlier. "I need your help." Her eyes finally locked with mine, slightly begging for my assistance's.

A shiver swept through me. I couldn't understand what was happening. A torrent of questions rushed out of my mouth as though I feared she might disappear again. "Who are you? Why... uh, what's happening? I don't understand. I shook my head with confusion.

She leaned forward and placed a smoothing hand upon my shoulder.

She was solid! She smelled of memories long since buried. There was the clean smell of freshwater rivers splashing over huge gray boulders. The springtime opening of thousands of flowers engulfed my senses, sending me falling back into the wide pastures and tall grass with Krystal by my side. Ginger, our Irish setter, bounded happily, chasing the doves from their hiding spots and barking crazily....

She smiled again and tenderly squeezed my shoulder.

I reached up and grasped her warm hand.

Her eyes looked around the moonlight area. "I am from here," she said, "but I can't remember everything." She shook her head. "It hurts too much," Rachel whispered softly.

I was confused. She said that that she was from here! What did she mean? Was she from Abilene Texas? The Earth? What was she? She definitely wasn't human.

She took her hand away and sat on top of a flat rock. "I was once like you..." she began.

"Like me...?" I interrupted.

She raised a hand. "Listen, please. It's hard for me to remember." Rachel paused, her lips tightened as a flicker of pain crossed her face. Then she continued, "I'll tell you what I can." She waited, her eyes anxiously searching mine

I nodded silently.

"I was in an accident." She chewed on her bottom lip before continuing. "I fell into the water and couldn't get out. I couldn't get any air, and then nothing."

Her last words hung heavily in the air. She drowned! Then how could she be talking with me?

"The next thought I had was of floating through the air. I wasn't moving up or down, just floating along, nestled in the warm cocoon of gentle air. As I moved, memories came unwanted into my mind. Every new vision brought a hot pain flashing through me. My head felt like it was going to explode. Every recollection was torn away in the same torturous manner." Rachel stopped. She stared at the ground and slowly shook her head. "Trying to keep the painful memories at bay," she muttered.

My heart ached to hear of her pain. She looked so soft. So pure and innocent, undeserving of the intense suffering she described. No one deserved that.

Shining tears rolled down her cheeks and dripped onto her T-shirt. "With each thought -every little shred of remembrance -the pain would pierce me. I begged for mercy, crying out for release, only to hear my screams fade into the nothingness that surrounded me."

Rachel fell into silence, and I could tell that she was reliving every painful moment experienced. I reached for her hand to offer a little reassurance, only to have her jerk back in fright.

"Sorry", I said. "I didn't mean to scare you. I only want to offer some comfort."

She gave me a sad smile. The light touch of her hand on mine came, and then it was gone. "It's okay." Her eyes searched mine. " I'll explain, just give me time. It's hard."

I longed for her hand's contact. The spot she'd touched, ached for the return of her thin cool fingers.

"I've conditioned myself to block out the memories to avoid the pain, said Rachel. " I don't know long I was in that limbo state, it felt like forever. Hours could have been months. Months, full years. I have no idea." She swallowed. "I learned how to block out my past only to be ambushed by my present I mastered that and was overwhelmed with the future. It never stops. As soon as I shut the door on a childhood joy, a fleeting glance at a future death would take its place. It's so scary." She was shivering and had wrapped her arms around herself. In a low voice, she said, "As the new thoughts entered, the pain would return, extracting its price. It's nowhere near as bad as the dredging up of my own past, still it's very painful."

Another tense silence ensued. I wanted to say something to fill it, but what could I say? How could someone stop the memories? The crickets and toads continued their night song while the minutes ticked away. Finally, she spoke again.

"As much as I tried, I could never latch onto how I came into the state I was in. I wasn't in heaven and it wasn't hell. At least I don't think it was." She glanced up from the tiny circles her white shoes had drawn in the sand, being certain that I was following.

I nodded for her to go on. I wasn't certain that I could speak if I wanted to.

"Over and over I traveled through my memories. I endured torture only to lose the thread right at the point of my accident. I wonder why I couldn't just die? I mean... I don't want to be dead, but if I was, then just get in over with. You know?"

I swallowed a lump in my throat and croaked, "Yeah. I think so".

Rachel inhaled deeply then exhaled slowly. "New thoughts intrude. Soon I saw things I didn't recognize. They were things of other's lives; their futures."

She let out a long sigh and an owl hooted from somewhere down the creek. "Josh, I saw yours; and it scared me."

"Mine?" I jumped up." What do you mean? I'm not dead. What did you see?" I was almost yelling.

"I saw..." She swallowed again." I saw you die," she whispered.

"How? Oh my..." I began to pace on unstable legs. A cold sweat broke over my body. My death! It was unreal.

"Please." Rachel reached out and grabbed my wrist as I passed.

I looked down at her, not really able to see her or make sense of what she was saying. Was she there to take me away? Was she some sort of Angel? If so, why was she tortured so? Sobs began deep within my soul. I didn't want to die. Sure, I'd contemplate taking my own life, especially on this trip. The stress and loneliness took me down that path, but—

"Sit," she directed firmly." listen Josh.**

My name! It only then registered that she called me by my name. I dropped to the ground, totally confused and stared at her with a nervous sense of imminent doom.

"You were there." Rachel pointed to where my fishing pole still hung over the murky Creek. "Adjusting your pool, then you slipped from the bank, and disappeared into the darkest depths."

"I can swim! How could I drown?" I demanded.

She shook her head. " I don't know. I just know that's what I saw. It happened."

As if in response, the bells attached to my pole's tip began to jingle, indicating a strike. They rattled and clinked in a symphony of sounds as the fish fought to free itself from the sharp hook.

Wide-eyed, I stared across the darkness toward the sound. My heart hammered, while the blood rushed to my head setting off a ringing inside my ears. My death, it was here!

My head snapped to the side, expecting to see Rachel rising, ready to carry me away to my destiny. No! I didn't want to go! Not now! Not ever!

Rachel sat motionless. Her eyes were like blue lasers locked on to me. " It's okay," she said quietly. " Just don't go there." She pointed toward the chattering bells. "Stay here and sit by my side." She patted the dirt besides her rock seat.

The jingling bells called to me. I was mesmerized by their sound. It was as if an invisible thread was attached my chest, pulling me onward. I felt an overwhelming need to catch the fish. I could almost taste it. It would be so good after being slowly browned over my campfire. It would....

I pulled my body to a halt. I had been unaware of getting up and walking, yet I was on my way toward the creeks edge. Already, I was more than halfway there. I looked over my shoulder and saw Rachel continuing to watch me. The greenish-glow surrounding her seemed to have brightened. I forced myself to turn around, ignoring the enticing clanking bells—Hell's bell's I thought.

"I'm so happy that you didn't go", she said as I stepped to her side. "I feared that you might ignore my words." Twin streaks of moisture glistened on her Cheeks.

She cried for me, I realized with a start. For me! She didn't even know me, but had saved my wife and had cried for me. Who was she? I had to know. "Rachel, I"-

She raised a hand, halting my words. "Just sit down and relax. After all, isn't relaxation what you sought?" She smiled.

A smile crossed my own face and I sat down beside her. Her scent filled my nostrils, reminding me of those happier times. Somehow I would get back to the place of flowers and freshwater streams. I knew that once I did, everything would be okay. I reached for her hand. This time she didn't pull way.

She squeezed my hand between both of hers and said, "Enjoy yourself for now. We'll have plenty of time to talk later." I grinned. " A lifetime," I said

A deep peace entered my body and spread throughout. I never felt so calm, and I had such a vivid awareness of my surroundings that it was almost overwhelming. Smells were much stronger; the sounds came louder and much clearer. Most of all, the colors of everything—our clothes, my duffel bag, and even the ordinary drab mesquite trees— breathed with life.

*                         *                         *

I jerked awake. The campfire blazed madly several feet away; its heat warmed my entire body. Off in the distance, muffled voices and moving flashes of light caught my attention. Through dawn's early light, I saw people with flashlights walking along the creeks edge, coming my way.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I felt good, much better than I had in a long time. Then I remembered everything and snapped my head to the side.

She was gone!

"Mornin' Sir," said a Sheriff's Deputy as he walked up. "Sorry to disturb you." He looked toward my pup tent. "We're searching for a missin' girl, 'Bout 20, pretty. Maybe five and half inches tall. Long black hair. Seen her?"

My throat constricted, threatening to make me black out from a lack of oxygen. He had to mean Rachel, what was I supposed to say, they'd think I was crazy.

I shook my head, and knew that it was the right response. Rachel was still with me, guiding me in life.

He nodded. "Didn't think so." He lit a cigarette then continued. "She fell from the dam, bout a mile or so upriver". He pointed the light back in the direction he'd come from. "Probably drowned," he solemnly said. "If you see her, give us a call." He stood up and continued on with the rest of the search party.

I glanced at the campfire. If I see her again I wouldn't need to call. I will be flying somewhere by her side, without wings.