Just Doing Time

My days have sometimes seemed so long and full of inner pain. Inside these dull concrete walls I have felt such longing and aloneness. My spirit often feels as if fragments lay scattered through the years. I often think about the day when I walk free of this place. This white uniform, whose logo is a number with Alabama Department of Corrections stamped across the back, isn't so much just clothing I can remove, but more like a second skin I've worn that I want to tear off with my hands. I want to soak in a tub and cleanse myself of the putrid scents of prison and foul second hand smoke that constantly lingers. I will leave behind thoughts and carry a heart that was made strong from a hunger and thirst for life. My soul has cried and many dreams have sailed through my night's restless slumber. As a child I use to play out in the woods near a creek and I want to run there again, way out in the middle of the woods alone. I yearn to just stand and listen to nothingness. The rustle of leaves, birds chirping, and the small crack of a twig would echo in my soul. Here, it is never dark and there's always a cacophony of sounds making it almost impossible to just get a moment of peace. I yearn to stand on the ocean's shore and wiggle my toes down into the sand, listening to the song of the sea and breathe in deeply the salty air. Yes, the things I miss the most are the experiences I've actually had in life, but took each one for granted and couldn't see the real beauty that was before me.

I have never talked on my own cell phone, been on the Internet or even had a computer. I've never paid for gas without having to go into the store, never been to a Super Wal-Mart, held a "big head" twenty dollar bill and the list goes on. Some things I could have done in life, but never took the time; like walk along the beach hand in hand with my mother, just sit out on the deck with my father talking about whatever, just get away for a weekend with my sister and simply laugh. These "just things" are on the top of my list. Time has tried to wear me down as I watch the changes take place in the world and as I watch the physical changes on my face. I do not want to become "institutionalized" so I fight it daily. I see so many women with hopeless faces just meander around all day. The parole system is suppose to provide hope; however, we almost fear a hearing because if one gets set off four to five years, any small privilege one may have earned will be stripped from you because you'll be "re-classified."

The last college classroom I sat in was the year 1990, with the exception of when Central Community College and Faulkner University could come into the prison; all those educational opportunities came to a halt in 1994 when Federal Grants were stopped for inmates. I've decided to succeed even if I am 50 years old and in college. I want to graduate. I have been guilty of starting things and not finishing. In 1987 I gave up a basketball scholarship because I was "in love." I quit college again for a man because he wanted me to stay at home. It seems I've always adjusted my life or beliefs for someone else. I have a thicker backbone these days and for once I feel as if I could be happy just being me.

I've completed every program and educational opportunity this prison offers, so now I am "just doing time." I have kept my education going by applying myself and receiving several scholarships The University of Alabama offers in distant education. I'm a firm believer that the mind, body and soul are one; each needs the other to be complete. I exercise as much as possible becoming rather creative at times because we have no gym. I read, write, meditate and discipline myself to spending time learning more about who God really is and what He wants me to do with my life.

My first attorney was disbarred, so I suppose the line he gave me, "Oh you'll serve about 7 years," was as much a lie as the rest of the lines he sold me. We used to believe we stood a chance after serving a third of our sentence; however, several years ago I came to realize that was a false hope as well. I have written more advocacy groups than I can recall. In Alabama the system is political. To have a violent crime means you are almost unworthy of a chance. This system doesn't care if your crime was self-defense, domestic or if you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. You can have two offenders with identical crimes and one may make parole and another get set off year after year because one has a protest and one doesn’t. We sit and watch drug offenders go and come almost as they please, while we sit and clog the system "just doing time." If you are lucky enough to not have victim rights groups come up against you, then you might slide through quietly. The sad thing is, it is inevitable that we will one day get out, but this system isn't about rehabilitation, the recidivism rate proves that, but more a holding tank of blank, weary faces and when one holding tank is full, the system just loads the inmates up and fills up a private facility in Louisiana. Decades pass by and we get closer and closer to an end-of-sentence. It's easy to lose hope without proper relationships, years of improper health care and nutrition and being or becoming unattached to the "real world."

I have served over 13 years and I've never had my teeth cleaned. I thank God I still have my teeth, and a few I just deal with the pain at times. Here the dentist does not do crowns or anything beyond a cheap filling; you just deal with the pain in order to try and keep the tooth so that when you get out you can get it fixed properly, or you can get it pulled. Just this past year, because of the lawsuit settlement, a hygienist has started coming in to clean teeth; hopefully my name will come up soon. I am fortunate enough to be able to purchase dental floss, toothpaste and toothbrushes from the canteen. I feel sorry for the inmates that cannot afford the "luxuries" here.

One day, sweet redemption will come and I have to pull out the positive. I have a relationship with my family that I may have never had. I know what it's like to have a real friend, as well as to be one. My father and I say, "I love you." We never did before. I no longer try to embrace religion because that is where I received a lot of hurt. God made truth with many doors to welcome every believer who knocks on them. I have an understanding and a relationship with God that I never could reach before. My pain is something I have planted in the field of patience and I know one day I will reap from it. Separation from freedom has made me who I am by dealing with who I once was. The world would be a better place if each person had to experience real humility in life.

Yes, I am afraid of re-entering society. I know rejection will come from every angle. I will have to fight harder for what might come easier to a "normal" citizen. I am determined, though, because I have lost so much over these years, to no fault but my own. I hope I will not have to stay in prison until I am almost 50, but reality is, my life is in the hands of three people who can say "denied" or "granted," as my family and friends stand face to face with them on my behalf. I've always thought how hard it is on my family, as they stand with their hearts beating heavy; they too are doing this time. I know each time I come up for parole and make that phone call home to find out the decision, I pray that I will hear, you finally get a chance. I wish for more consistency with the system and it would be more humane for the victims as well.

Alabama can be asinine and archaic and is in need of some serious revamping. The number of women in prison continues to rise, because fewer than ever are given the chance at parole. If someone would take a close look, they will see that women that have served 10 years or more do not get out and repeat a violent offense. Many years ago more inmates received good time, as well as could go to work release. Most violent offenses are banned from work release and, there again, if one were to investigate, they would see those offenders are the ones that made the best employees and didn't "mess up" and return to prison. Some violent offenders had been at work release for 7 years or more and under Don Seigleman's administration were returned due to a political decision and nothing that the women had done wrong. I am not saying that an individual that has a history of violence or individuals that have proven themselves as unable to abide by the rules should go to work release, but many women with violent offenses have mitigating circumstances and will never repeat the offense.

Many of us are "just doing time" and it is our heart cry that someone would see us as worthy of a chance. We will not get out and sell your children drugs, rob your stores or homes to support our addictions. We made bad judgments in life and anyone could have ended up in the same situations so many of us were in. It is inevitable that we will get out one day , so why not have some training, work release or parole opportunities before we "just get put out."

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