Friends Over Time
By Blake Pirtle
First off let me say
how sorry I am for being such a terrible friend. I hope that you will be able
to forgive me for me shortcomings as a man. I could sit here and make up
excuse after excuse as to why I have been absent for so long from your lives.
But it all comes down to me being a mental case. I was way out of line with
you guys back in late 2002 when I was dealing with a friend in England, and
the courts on my appeal. For that I am truly sorry. The only thing that I can
really say is that the transition from death row to this life in here has been
a total mind fuck!! I have had just about 4 years now of insanity as far as I
am concerned, and half of that has been spent in IMU. Yea go figure? :.) But I
have been doing good as of late, and have had over a year in population,
infraction free. I just never knew how much being in that cell on the row was
going to affect me mentally. I truly did not know how to interact with others
for the longest time, and then on top of that my distorted sense of how a man
is supposed to live his life in here. Well let’s just say that it left me on
a path of self-destruction, and anti–social behavior. About 2 years ago I
ended up stabbing and trying to kill a man in here for no other reason than I
thought that he really disrespected me. So of course I did a long time in IMU
for that, because they don’t want us stabbing people in here. Go figure?
Anyway while out there I realized I had to get help.
So I enrolled in anger management, and a transition course. Both classes are more set up to help people going to the streets. But we had a really good teacher that touched me early on and showed me that she really wanted to help us change. So I took the classes very seriously and because of that I feel that I got a lot out of them that has really helped me make a better life for myself in here as of late. I still feel like I have a very long way to go, because I have always been a man that acted upon how he was feeling at the time. And dealt with the outcome later on. Now let me tell you, that is a behavior that is hard to change, and the fact that I think I’m right about everything doesn’t help at all. But that’s the key. I am seeing my behavior for what it is, and it’s allowing me to make better choices. Does that make sense at all? It’s strange though, because at times I still feel myself getting restless and bored and on the verge of self-destruction. So I guess it will always be a work in progress for me, and something that I always have to work at?
So that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing for the last 3 years. I want to thank you for your notes from time to time, and for the copies of The Cell Door. It really meant the world to me that you guys cared enough about me still, to keep reaching out to me. I just had to be right in my head and heart before I reached out to everyone again. I didn’t think it was fair of me to be accepting all this support and love from others, when I as a man who was unwilling to make changes in my own life. I had all these people that wanted to help me better myself, and my life. But I, myself, was unwilling to step off the path in life that I knew and was comfortable to me, even if it was a path of self-destruction. All I can do now is hope that it is not too late? And that I didn’t wait too long to pull my head out of my ass. And that you all still want to be a part of my world?
I am happy to say that I have had a pretty good year this past year. The most important thing is that I have stayed out of trouble and have been able to interact with others a lot better. I got a job in here as a painter in the kitchen. I have learned that keeping things painted and looking nice in here is a never-ending job. It only pays like 30 cents an hour, and I will be lucky to make $40.00 a month. But it helps and is something productive for me to do during the days. I got a good boss, and I enjoy the people that I work with. I have made a couple of good friendships with people in here that I like a whole lot, and enjoy spending time with. So that’s an improvement on my part, because for the most part I have very little respect or tolerance for the majority of the people in here. I am getting back into my writing, and would love to write something for the Cell Door if you would like me to? Just let me know what kind of material you are interested in okay?
I got to partake in the pagan feast this year. A friend got to come to eat with us and interact with a few of my friends. Now that was pretty cool, and gives me inspiration to keep doing good. I also got to have a contact visit with my mother for the first time in like 5 years. About the only bad thing going on is that one of my nephews got into some trouble and might be on his way to prison. That really sucks. Well I am going to close for now and get this into the mail to you. Please take very good care of yourselves, and thank you for never giving up on me. Hope to hear from you soon? Smile for me!! :-)
