BackI Have Changed
By: D. Sterling Gray
Thirteen years ago my life was unmanageable and in the midst of chaos. During this time I made a choice, this decision was a defining point in my life. There would be another defining choice to come, but this one would symbolize the moral bankruptcy I had reached in my life.
In less than thirty seconds, I had managed to take a life; ruin my life; devastate and alter the lives of the victim’s family, and the family of a close friend.
It would be years later that I would come to the full realization and magnitude of what I had done, and the amount of suffering that resulted from my actions. In the early part of my life, to say that I took my life or someone else’s for granted is an understatement. I had no respect for others and no respect for myself. Either by drinking or drugging, my primary focus was to get wasted. This same lack of respect for myself was the very same lack of respect that I gave to others, whether they treated me fair or not.
I found myself making choices that were demeaning to my own well being. It was as if I had started to take steps down an unwise road, and one day I looked up and found I was an entirely different person. Everything about me incorporated a criminal lifestyle. My life centered around drugs, crime, and promiscuity instead of around friends and family. Life became all about my needs; I was structuring myself to be a failure. I lacked an education, social skills, and a connection to other people.
After I was incarcerated, I blamed everyone but myself: "It was my environment. My lawyer was not any good. The judge wanted to see me in jail!" Never once did I look at the man in the mirror that was not me, and analyze his conduct and attitude, that I had to live with every day.
While I was walking the yard, I started speaking with an older inmate who had been in prison for well over two decades. I shared with him all my excuses as to why I was in prison. His response was not what I expected, but this was the second defining point and catalyst where I realized I had to change my thought patterns; my life. That day I learned about responsibility, and this was the first day I accepted responsibility for the crime I was convicted for.
Problems in my life started to make sense; it became clearer why I was incarcerated. It was not just one event, but a series of bad choices that left me with an outcome with two options: death, or prison. I was one of the lucky ones. I received a prison sentence and a chance to change.
During my time incarcerated, I embarked on a transforming journey with an open mind and an optimistic spirit for the future. I have earned a GED, numerous certificates, several degrees, and a barbering license. However, life is not what a person can get for him or herself, but the way that person can give to others and help improve their quality of life.
Once of the best decisions I made was in giving my life to a higher power. Now my choices are made with careful consideration and pure thoughts. I have learned that the world is not centered on me, and that my actions do not only affect myself, but others as well.
Despite the odds and the contrasting events of my past, I have completely changed my life, and I refuse to stop growing. Change can only happen if you want it to.
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