We Watched

By Christy Camp

We watched,

watched as our sisters one by one broke free of their chains and became a faded memory. We celebrated their freedom, secretly wishing it was us.

We saw,

saw, the pain in the faces of those who have tried to stay strong for others, tried to hang on to hope, tried with all their might not to give up, not to lose faith.

We prayed,

prayed to our God to please let the suffering stop, let me make peace with myself, and all that my life is now.

We hoped,

hoped to hold grandchildren and see our parents before they died. We hoped for comfort and soft, pretty things wrapped in beautiful paper and bows just waiting, with our names on the gifts that we had wished for.

We cried,

cried in pain, and hurt, and frustration for what was not to be, what could never be, what we couldn't have.

We sang,

sang to release our hearts of the heavy weight bearing down upon us, lightening our spirits as we kept walking towards the unseen door we wanted to enter so badly.

We laughed,

laughed at our mistakes, laughed at our lives and how silly we could be in such a "serious" situation.

We reached,

reached for the moon and the stars, reached for the sun and the clouds, stretching our arms upward toward the place that was so close, yet unreachable.

We forgave,

forgave ourselves, forgave those we believed were responsible for our pain, responsible for our chains, responsible for holding us back from our perfect lives in our perfect worlds we could see so clearly in our heads.

We mourned,

mourned the deaths of our sister who looked "just fine" the last time we saw her. So vibrant, so full of life, who had to die alone, alone in a cold, dark place, hopefully making peace with herself and her God; so scared, so frightened. Eaten alive, eaten alive by her own body!

We lay,

lay at the end of the day closing our eyes to our reality, taking in deep breathes, letting our minds settle, hushing the mind like a baby from all the thoughts creeping in, creeping in, climbing like spiders on our faces keeping us awake before we finally succumb to rest; our last thought being,

"When will I wake up?"

"Will I wake up?" in a world that is full of life and light and happiness and rainbows and running streams and peace, peace surrounding me like a cloud, like a mist that kisses my face so softly like a lover?

We wake,

wake up in a world that is so sterile, so cold in the morning with stomachs grumbling for food we do not wish to eat, bones hurting from beds not fit to sleep in.

Arms aching,

aching from holding, reaching, carrying so much. Head pounding from thoughts that fill our brains, wondering, when will it get easier?

We rise,

rise slowly, being re-born, being raised, being kept in a cage, where there is so little to look forward to.

We guard,

guard our photos, dog-eared and sticky from tape and holding them close to our hearts. We look in the eyes of the ones we love; sitting, standing, so calmly, so frozen in time, wanting to step into their world. Their smiles trying to hide the sadness of the lack of our presence in their lives.

We begin another day,

and we watch.